Friday, June 27, 2008

New Mothers of Twins Sleep Less

Dr Elizabeth Damato, of Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, is dangerous and needs to be restrained by the authorities immediately. She and several collaborators (who should also be considered extremely dangerous) spent several weeks carefully proving that mothers of twins get less sleep than other people. There is no way you can convince me that someone who needs to do that has the higher functions to understand why picking up a knife and just sticking it in someone is a "bad thing".

Searing insights from a the nine person team it apparently takes to change blindingly obvious lightbulbs in Cleveland include:
"Parenting newly born twins poses high childrearing demands"
"Preterm infants are more fragile"

At this point I feel bloody stupid for studying quantum mechanics to get a degree, when all you need is a statement anybody since the dawn of language could have said with some numbers tacked onto the end. Because by god does this study have numbers:

Oh, looks like I'm the retard here - without this vital work we might never have known the mean sleep time was three hundred and twenty one POINT TWO minutes, a twelve second error that could doubtless have spelled disaster for the space program.

Likely Errors: None. Except that the study happened.

What they could have spent the money on: Babysitters. For the glorious goal of achieving Sweet F.A. these scientists gathered round and watched fourteen mothers enter the early stages of new-mother-meltdown, happily adding to the stressload by hooking them up to motion sensors and quizzing them on exactly how much sleep they didn't get because of their new screaming children.

Check those stats - seven stressed parents told a team of "medical professionals" that they were severely depressed, and that team's response was to scribble in a clipboard and do nothing for fear of ruining the data. For over a dozen people, the universe would be a definably better place if this study had never happened.

Original article here.

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